Why am I the way I am?
I don’t even know that answer.
Since age 12 I’ve made a decision to become something that didn’t existed, something different, something that was going to shock the world.
I wanted attention, respect, and power. I was determined to do whatever it took to get it. It helped that I had the best mother in the world. As strong as she was I wanted to show her that I was worthy of doing the things that she required of all of my brothers and me. She suffered so much during her life here on earth, battling cancer and raising 7 children. I watched her suffer for all of us and I didn’t want to cause her any more pain. I wanted to be a good boy. That’s what she wanted us to be, in reality that’s what every parent wants for their children. She wanted us to be a Sunday school, goodie good, nerd, and almost perfect child. She also wanted us to be tough and not back down from anything because she had that kind of mentality. She was a fierce woman, probably the fiercest woman I have ever met. Maybe that’s why I have high expectations when it comes to women, someone that is at the level that my mother was, but that’s a different story.
She would point out about others she viewed in the streets or on TV: what a great kid, you see (ya vez)? He’s doing his homework; he’s helping his parents; he’s doing laundry; he’s being polite; he’s down on his knees praying. All those little simple things that make such a big difference, etc. etc. etc. Sounds easy right? It’s not.
“The richest things, the best things, the most beautiful things in life are challenging.” –Richardson.
I asked myself, if I did all those things, would my mother love me more? Will I be her favorite of the 7? Will she stop crying? Will her pain go away? And will I obtain the attention, respect, and power? Everything pointed to yes. I figured if I lived a certain way, I was going to rule. I would literally be a Beast! Keep in mind this was a boy thinking ahead, rationalizing. Plus, I’m not going to lie, since I was an immature ignorant boy I was thinking of worldly things. I was thinking like Tony Montana from Scarface, because if I go to school, I will be making good money to buy all the fancy things that I wanted; If I had the money and good boy qualities more girls if not all girls were going to like me; If I got this far, with all this success, in Beast mode, I was going to have power, people will listen to me and I would have control and rule the world. I can’t go wrong.
“First you get the money, then you get the women, then you get the power.” -Scarface
I was determined to chase perfection. The first commitment that I made at an early age was that I was not going to drink, smoke, or do any type of drugs. No adult that I knew at the time was doing that, so I wanted to be the first to accomplish this impossible task at least in my family. I was going to be a great student, honor roll and all, you name it. I was going to do all my chores at home. I was going to have an abstinence card, when I get married it would be until death do us part. No more “thug life” meant no tattoos, piercings, or rebellion. I was going to be pure in an unpure world unmarked. I was going to say my prayers and go to church all the time, to be Jesus like, after all Jesus was the only perfect man to ever step foot on this earth, why not learn from the best. Perfection is tough and nobody will ever come close, but worth the try because those who died trying at the very least became Saints. Truth be told, all these Saints were probably some of the worst sinners on earth, but that’s how you learn, from mistakes and failure.
“Our greatest glory is not does not come from never falling, but from rising every time we fall.”
What if I could be strong physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually? What if I can have it all? The muscles, the diplomas, the courage, the faith… What if I can have approval from my peers, all the girls, my mom, and God? What if I can do it all? What if nothing was impossible? Who does these things? Might as well be me.
“It’s fun to do the impossible.” –Walt Disney
I want to meet these expectations. I want to promote this unique, lifestyle and the magic behind it. Nobody does these things or chooses this route because it’s the toughest. I want to prove to the entire world that it works and that it is worth every drop of blood, sweat, and tears. What if I told you that somebody out there in the world that you never thought existed does exist? What if I told you that even though I’m a sinner, I’m chasing perfection (Saint Status)? What if I told you this was the only way to survive in a zombie infested world? What if I told you that I wasn’t human? What if I told you I was a superhero chosen by God? What if I told you that yeah at age 28 I’m still doing work that nobody else dares to do? What if I told you that you can also?
Why am I the way I am?
Like I said before, I don’t even know that answer.
All I know is that since age 12 I’ve made a decision to become something that didn’t existed, something different, something that was going to shock the world, something that was going to make jaws drop, something big, something that nobody would have ever thought possible, and I knew from the bottom of my little heart that in the end I was going to WIN!
If you want to go to war stay tuned for chapter 2.
Chapter 2 – Suffering
